Our story

Our story is one of heartache, tears, and frustration, but in the end triumph. Our story begins a little over a year ago when Matt came back from Chile. He had been gone for 1 month and when he returned he had decided that it was time for us to have children. He loved the way that all of the Chileans were so family focused and he longed for that. I was not ready for that kind of a commitment so we decided to flip a coin (which is how we decide a lot of major things in our life). We tossed the coin... and Matt won; we were going to start trying to have a family. This was a very scary thought but also a very exciting thing to think about. Since Matt and I are pretty private people we decided to keep it a secret. I knew that I had problems in the past with my left ovary and we didn't want people to constantly be asking us if we were pregnant yet because we felt like that would only make it harder.

So the "trying" began. I spoke with my doctor, got off my birth control, exercised, ate right, etc. I did everything the way that you are supposed to when you are "trying". 2 months in and I was late for my period; I was so excited and I took about 5 pregnancy tests over the course of a week... but they were all negative. What was going on? No period, no baby... what the heck? A month went by, still no period, still no positive tests...hmmm. At this point Matt and I started to worry. I talked to my doctor but she didn't seem to care and told me everything was fine. Finally after about 1 1/2 months I started my period, which was a relief but also kind of sad. This time though something was different. I was in a lot of pain and I knew that something was wrong. Not being able to talk to my doctor about it I just dealt with it but it was so hard. I know that this was extremely hard for Matt too because he wanted so badly to help me but he couldn't. At this point we started getting angry with God. We didn't understand what was going on with my body and we couldn't understand why he didn't want to give us a baby. There were countless nights over the next few months where Matt and I would cry out to the Lord for help and for healing for me. It was at this point that I began to feel so alone. I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through and those that I shared with a little about my body issues I couldn't be honest with and tell them the whole story and why it was more discouraging then they could imagine. I felt so alone and I felt like no one understood. The other thing that was always frustrating, and made me want to kill people, was when they would say to Matt and/or I, "so when are you guys going to have kids?" When people would ask me this question I could feel the heat rising up in me and I just wanted to scream. If you are one of those people just know that this question is not okay to ask people (especially over and over again) because you don't ever know what's really going on. The other thing that always made me snap was the countless people that would arrogantly boast about how it's a joke that some people actually have to "try" to have kids! "Ha," they would say, "we got pregnant our first try." Yeah, well good for you, I'm glad you are perfect and it's a real bummer that the rest of us aren't just like you.

So back to our story... skip ahead a couple more months and it was 3 days before Christmas. That morning I was rudely awaken by sharp pains in my left side, not good. I called my work and left them a message that I wouldn't be coming in that day. For most of the day I laid in bed trying not to move or breathe too hard so that the pain would stay at a minimum. However about 2:30pm, feeling pretty good, I decided to get up and get some food and while I was up I thought I'd do a little vacuuming. I decided if I couldn't feel good the least I could ask for was that the house look nice. BIG mistake. I was in the middle of vacuuming the dining room when I fell to the floor grasping my side. I was in so much pain that I could hardly even take a breath. Luckily Matt was working in Redding that day so he got home about 30 minutes later and helped me get settled on the couch. We were in the middle of watching the latest 24 season so we figured since I couldn't move why not just watch the movies. With every passing minute and every decision Jack Bauer made my pain got worse. By 10:30pm I was gasping for breath and in so much pain that it hurt to even think. Matt called my doctor, who was not happy about being woken up and she told us that she was on vacation so I would have to just go into the ER and find another doctor to see. Pissed off, worried, and angrier then I've ever seen him, Matt called our friend Tony Karam for some doctor advice. Tony asked a bunch of questions and then said that I had to go to the ER. I know that most of you know the story about my visit to the ER but the reason I share it is because what you don't know is the heartache and devastation that was behind the trip to the ER. Why was this happening? We thought God wanted us to have a family. Why was it that my body just decided to stop working the way that it should? Why? Why? Why? We had so many questions. It was at this point in our struggle that Matt became so angry with God. One night we were crying and praying and Matt got very angry at God. I was shocked but too devastated to fight him on it. We needed answers and it felt like God had forgotten all about us.

Shortly after this, we were visiting with some friends over dinner, and I realized that they too were secretly trying to have kids so I flat out asked them about it. Yep, I was right they were doing the same thing that we were doing so we decided to open up to them and tell them what had been happening with us. This was the Lord. We found out that they had been having the same struggle that we were having but her health issues were a little different. We had many of the same symptoms but different issues. And it just so happened that we had started trying the exact same month! Finally I was not alone anymore. Since that time I have had many conversations with this friend about our struggles. We have cried together, laughed together, and prayed and fasted for one another. This was a huge answer to prayer but it was still hard because we don't get to see them very often and I was still not able to share what I was going through with my closest friends.

After my ER visit at Christmas time I decided to find another doctor (one who actually gave a crap about me and my health issues). I decided on a doctor in Red Bluff because he came highly recommended by so many of my friends and my sister who was 2 months pregnant at this time. I went and visited the doctor and after telling him my whole story he decided to put me on some Progesterone to try and regulate my irregular periods and some Chlomid to try and help me get pregnant. I left his office feeling renewed hope and excitement.

Time when by and nothing happened. 4 friends and family members that had started trying when we did had already gotten pregnant and again the discouragement crept in. It was about this time when Dan spoke at the Stirring and gave his testimony. The whole thing was great but the part that stood out to me the most was his story about Alyssa getting pregnant after 7 years of trying. When he showed the picture of Alyssa holding the positive pregnancy test on the big screen I just about lost it. I could feel the tears welling up inside of me because I knew that someday that would be me. Right then and there I claimed their victory and their testimony for Matt and I. That would be us... I just knew it. That night we asked the Lances to pray for us and I knew that God was there. I wept and wept, huge tears falling from my face and hitting my feet and the floor below me; it was beautiful.

From that point on Matt and I stopped thinking about having kids. We were still counting the days of my ovulation, I was still taking my medication, but we gave the rest up to the Lord. We figured if He wanted us to have children then we would and if that wasn't His plan then we were still just as happy. We have such a wonderful marriage and we love each other so much that we just figured if it wasn't meant to be then we would just travel like crazy and see the world! :) We even started planning trips; we took a trip to San Jose to visit Matt's parents, we planned our trip to Louisiana in September, and we bought our tickets for Jamaica in October. This gave us something to be excited about and something to look forward to.

Then came my sister's baby shower, May 18th. I started my period--on time. I was in a lot of pain that day and it just reminded me all over again that not only was I still not pregnant but I was also in pain. Grrr... but I had to remind myself that this was not my problem and that I needed to give it to the Lord once again.

Then came June, my last month of medication. At this point we knew that it was completely up to the Lord. Then my birthday party came, June 14th. I was supposed to start my period that day but I didn't. I was happy about that because I was able to wear my cute white dress, but I didn't think anything else, I just figured I was late... again. A few more days went by and I started to wonder about why I hadn't started yet but I didn't want to get excited so for the first time I was actually patient and didn't take a pregnancy test, I just forgot about it. Then I woke up Friday morning, June 20th, and for some reason I felt like I should take a test. Matt was downstairs reading the paper so I went into the bathroom and took the test. Instantly I could see a plus sign forming so I ripped through all of the drawers looking for the directions because this particular test had no writing on the stick (of course!). No directions, no more tests... figures. I walked downstairs and stuck the thing in Matt's face and said to him, "I think I'm pregnant." He looked at me and said, "you're joking right?" "Nope, I think it's for real this time but I don't have another test that I can take so I'll have to wait until later when I can go to Wal*Mart and get another one." "What!" he exclaimed, "really?" Then we carried on a short conversation, both of us in total shock and disbelief. Later that day I headed down to Wal*Mart to get another test. As soon as I got home I took 2 more, both positive. I called Matt to tell him this was the real deal this time. We were both so excited but again torn because we couldn't tell anyone for 13 weeks. Well guess what, I'm showing and can't hide it any longer so you are all getting to know 2 weeks early. :)

So hear I am--after just over a year of not being able to share with you my heartache, pain, frustration, loneliness, and excitement--telling you the whole story. It's amazing what happens when you truly surrender yourself to the Lord, He shows up in ways you never though possible. Our timing for having a baby would have been fine but God's timing is so much better. After all the heartache our story ends with the Lord having victory in our lives. Our baby is truly a miracle and we will never forget that.