Finding my place

I have been trying to decide how to say what I want to say for about the last hour. My mind is a funny place where thoughts come and go and some dwell for way too long. I can literally think about the same thing for hours and get myself so worked up over nothing. Anyways that's not the point.

My husband lovingly informed me that my blog has been too vulgar lately. He said that the blog-fart post was over the top and you don't even want to know what he said about (what is now referred to as) the "poop steak". It was never my intention to offend anyone so if I offended you I sincerely apologize. I have been struggling lately with finding my place in the blogging world. I started writing about the more serious things in my life: my thoughts and my days, but then I didn't want to bore people so I thought I would try blogging about all my funny/weird thoughts. What I learned though is that I do not have the same kind of humor as most. My Confessions of a Clean Freak were fun for awhile until I realized that people were starting to judge me for all of my crazy cleaning quirks and that I was offending people because I was not sitting on their toilets, etc. and have a higher standard of cleanliness for my home. I want you all to know that it is exactly that, a standard of cleaning for my home, not yours. I honestly don't care if you clean your house or pick up your stuff and please don't feel like you ever need to do either of those things before I come over. I am only judgemental of myself and I am honestly just as happy to sit on your couch and hanging out, if there's stuff all over the floor as I am if it is impeccable.

It seems like I am always trying to find my place in the world. Blogging has been very similar to so many other situations in my life and it has lead me to really look deep inside of myself to figure out what I am doing wrong. Similar to blogging, my family, my friends, my church, my schools, etc. have always been the same: I have a great response at first and people always like me and then after a few months it fades. I don't know what it is. What makes me so exciting in the beginning and then what changes to make me fade away? I have always struggled with this and over and over again I have questioned my thoughts, my personality, my character, and even God. This is probably my greatest battle in life. I know that I should not seek other's approval but truthfully when it comes down to it we all want to be liked and loved by others.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I have a great life, an amazing husband and so much more but at the end of the week I have 1 friend that I know loves me and will call me to hang out for a girl's night. Maybe my problem is that I am always the planner so people just expect me to call them and then they forget to call me when something comes up. Or maybe it's that I am only 1 of like 5 girls at the Stirring that don't have kids. I definitely don't fit in with the moms and that's probably why I have nothing to blog about because I don't have kids, just cats. I think most of the moms in my life take me the wrong way. I think it is mistaken that because Matt and I don't have children it's because we don't like them. That is not it at all. I do like kids, in fact we want to have kids but right now I am undergoing a very long process with the doctors to see it that is even an option for us. (That's a whole other blog for another time and place). Or maybe it's because I'm a clean freak and people are afraid that I'm going to judge them for not being as OCD as I am. As I said before I am not at all judgemental of others and I don't care whether or not your house is clean. Who knows what it is, all I know is that it can be very discouraging.

I am going through a period right now where I know God is using me in people's lives and at times it can be very rewarding but other times it can be very discouraging. In the past couple of months I have received so many phone calls from women in my small group or women from church that are going through huge life transitions right now--some good, some bad. In every case I know that God is using me but sometimes the burden can be so heavy and so discouraging. Sometimes I get so discouraged and I just want to give up and tell God to pick someone else. Selfishly I feel that it would be nice to be the one encouraged sometimes rather than always being the encourager.

I just stopped and realized that I have been going on and on for awhile now. I should probably wrap it up before I get completely lost in my thoughts. Plus I really need to go to the grocery store and I have been procrastinating for quite some time now.